Saturday, December 31, 2011

Buy me a Time Machine

I love debt collectors.  They are a funny group of people.

They are hired by debt collection companies and whose sole purpose is to legally harass people to the point where the debtors feel that their only recourse is to rob a bank in order to pay off the debt.  The debt collectors will hound you, your family, friends, employers, acquaintances, and whomever else they think may be remotely associated with you, just to get the company money.

They're like Dawg the Bounty Hunter, but without the cool-looking mullet and reality television crew following them around.  And some of the things they do are illegal (Dawg does some illegal things as well, so scratch that part).

Anyway, when I talk with them, they try to corner me with their logic, but it usually turns out to be a pretty funny situation.  They bring up two arguments which make me laugh: Why did you go into debt when you weren't going to be able to pay it back, and Why did you have so many kids when you can't pay the bills.

Why did you go into debt when you weren't going to be able to pay it back?
This is the most ridiculous argument which they give me.  I mean, come on!  Wasn't the entire marketing scheme during the heyday of credit along the lines of: "Get a [input bank name] credit card today for those times when you need a little extra cash"?

Nowhere in those advertisements was there a warning that you need to make sure that you could pay it off.  The entire marketing focus was to use this WHEN YOU DIDN'T HAVE ENOUGH MONEY!

They had an assumption that things would continue on their rosy path, and would never change.  People would continue making tons of money and credit card companies would never experience any sort of economic downturn.  Stupid them.

I usually retort to this argument that they need to talk to the credit approval department as to why they didn't include a fortune teller reading in the credit approval process to make sure that each person would be making enough money to pay it back.  Seriously, when you need a little extra money, you're thinking that things will get better so you can pay them back.  Does it always get better?  No.  There is no guarantee that you will be able to pay it back.

So, why do they ask this question?  It is so that if you make a statement saying that you took out a debt with the intention of not paying it back, it is fraud, and they can take you to court.  It is stupid for them to do.

Why do you have so many kids when you can't pay the bills?
This is a favorite question of mine.  I have five kids, and when debt collectors talk with me, the questions eventually go to the size of my family.  When I tell them that I have five kids, they usually are silent for a few seconds.

Then comes the usual statement (it's either this exact one or a variation of it): You shouldn't have had so many kids.

You know what?  I'll just jump into my time machine and change the past.  I won't have any kids so I will have enough money to pay you back.  Oh, wait.  I probably wouldn't be in debt to you if I didn't have any kids.

What are you, retarded?  Do I have a time machine?  I don't have a time machine.  So how about you buy one for me so I can pay you back.

This is the most incomprehensibly stupid argument I hear from creditors.  There is no logical response for such a stupid argument.  Usually a question about them building me a time machine stops that.  They can't give any sort of response to that, so they switch topics.

When debt collectors make either of those arguments, I make my retorts and laugh at them.  I wonder how they can ask such stupid questions in all seriousness.  Maybe they aren't asking those questions in all seriousness.  Maybe it is a big joke to them just to see how annoyed they can make people.  Maybe they do that to give them a comical break from the difficulty of their job.  Maybe they ask the questions and mute their end of the line and are rolling on the floor laughing.

A guy can hope.

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