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You know, it's a lot harder to vent on a keyboard than it is vocally. I'm not able to adequately express my frustration on a keyboard, although the continuous hitting of the keyboard did help somewhat.
Anyway, I am very frustrated today because of what has happened lately. What happened, you may ask? Well, I was informed that I am completely useless.
They were basing that on my past actions, words, and thoughts. We all should understand by now that our value is computed by our past actions, words, and thoughts. We are nothing more than that, and we will never change from being what our past dictates.
There is no change.
I mean, credit card companies, insurance companies, employers, friends, and almost everyone believes that. We are the compilation of our past, and our future is wholly predetermined by our past. We cannot change anything - we can only accept who our past tells us we are and live accordingly.
And in my circumstances, I am completely useless to everyone - I am someone who procrastinates in doing everything, says that I will do things when I will not, and complains when compelled to work. At least that is what I have been informed. In essence, I am the epitome of laziness and uselessness, and it would be better for me and society (at least then I would not be a drain on it) if I were to not exist within this societal framework (i.e. if I were dead).
Well, given that my future is paved for me from my past, I guess I don't need to do anything anymore. My past has predetermined that I will forever be useless, so I will continue being useless until the day I die. I mean, there is no real change; there is no way for me to change my future, so why should I do anything different? What incentive is there to try to change if I will forever be treated as someone who is wholly judged by my past?
I have done things in my past which I have learned from. Why won't others realize this? I know that I have repeated some of my mistakes several times. Haven't you? Why am I required to overlook your past mistakes while you focus on mine? Am I that much lower of a person than you?
Just because I don't focus on your previous mistakes, does that make you perfect? Because I try to give you the benefit of the doubt time and time again, giving you every opportunity to better yourself and overcome your weaknesses, does that mean that I don't get that same opportunity? Why should I be ridiculed, harassed, mocked, and looked down upon by you for my past just because I don't do that to you?
Every time I am ridiculed, harassed, mocked, and looked down upon by you, it makes me very depressed. Even more than I ever show. I continue to hold all of my true feelings deep inside myself, locking them up so nobody will ever know what I really feel.
I don't want you to know who I really am, what I have done (both in the past and present), because you will hurt me emotionally. I will continue to keep my feelings inside, where none can come, and where emptiness abounds.
My heart hurts, my chest is hollow. I feel nothing. Once I am able to lock my feelings up, things will again be normal, and I'll be the plucky, interesting (and still completely useless) person you think I am.