Trust is the most important thing to me. If I cannot trust someone, that pretty much means that you will only get enough real information out of me to keep things moving on. I will not tell you anything really important about me or what I do.
I'm sure that's very similar to most people; when their trust is broken by someone, they don't divulge much information to them.
Why I'm writing about this today is because someone very important to me, E, is not someone I can really trust. She wants me to tell her everything and trust her completely, but I can't because she hasn't shown me that she deserves to be completely trusted.
Ya, that's really tough, and if she reads this post, she'll probably be devastated and really hurt. But I need to get this out - it's been really bothering me for a long time.
First thing first: I trust her. I trust her with many things - actually, with more things than I trust anyone else. I can honestly say that she is the person who I trust the most on Earth.
So, if I trust her that much, why can't I trust her completely?
She has some bad habits which make it so I don't feel comfortable enough trusting her with everything about me. For instance, when she gets really angry or depressed, she brings up many past issues and problems which I used to have and uses those as ammunition to support her argument or anger (they usually have nothing to do with whatever is bothering her, but since they bothered her in the past, they are somehow relevant).
It makes me really angry that I have to relive past mistakes over and over again just because E continually dredges those issues up. Isn't living through them once enough? Apparently not, because I have to relive them again whenever she is angry or depressed. Even when I state that those things have already been resolved, she keeps on with them.
How can I completely trust someone who will not let resolved issues in the past stay in the past? Why should I trust someone who will not allow time to move on?
I am a very forgiving person (to a fault). Sometimes I wonder if I have the mentality of an abused spouse, who always forgives the abuser, thinking that they will change and become the person I think they are. But, even after she brings up the supposedly-resolved past, I forgive her. Of course it takes some time, but I still forgive her.
Unfortunately, by the time I start to feel comfortable with starting to trust her more, she goes and gets angry and depressed. Then, we're back to square one again.
And the worst part is that she gets angry with me because I don't trust her completely. This seems to be the main reason behind her anger. Doesn't she see that her anger and the fact that she continually dredges up the past is the reason why I don't trust her more than I already do?
Sometimes I wish I could tell her that, but then she would get mad at me for insinuating that she's doing something wrong, which is impossible, because she believes that she's never wrong (that's another post entirely).
These are my thoughts this morning.
* The name E is just a representation of a real person, with real feelings